i'm looking at a beautiful window. that window is your eyes.

i felt like putting this out there...
it's a note that i sent to a dear friend, responding to her simple email to me consisting of just the following scripture:


"For my part, I am going to boast about nothing but the Cross of our Master, Jesus Christ. Because of that Cross, I have been crucified in relation to the world, set free from the stifling atmosphere of pleasing others and fitting into the little patterns that they dictate."
galatians 6:14 msg

~please note that these are just random thoughts that just came to me...i really didn't take the time to proofread or correct the grammar. actually, it is pretty freeing to just post something that is messy.


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hi friend.
thanks for thinking of me and sending me a little scripture reminder action.

funny because i've been thinking about and praying through this very thing as of late.

here are my thoughts:

i am constantly feeling torn between two worlds right now. that of remaining soft in the Lord, my God, my Father. being of His like and of His character, which means loving others deeply, loving my family selflessly, loving friends with humility, loving our neighbors and strangers with a deep and sincere kindness. not a love that's made up. not a love that's weak. but, a true love that's almost hard to receive. now, i know that i'm imperfect and that my love will always fall short, but i really desire to be a lover. if that's all i do in my lifetime...love people...than, so be it. that would be such a gift to me.

this brings me to the other side of the coin...by my own choices (not always good ones) and in a culture where it's hard to remain soft, my heart has become hardened. and, in a world where judgment of one's motives and desires is always a threat, i am trying to stand in my Father's truth and His purpose for my life. i do feel called to love others deeply, not out of a place of making people feel good. i can't quite describe why. i think, maybe, it has a lot to do with living in a place where i didn't always have that in my own life. sometimes, the very things you lack are the very things you so desperately want to give others. but, i know i wrestle with it all the freaking time. in fact, i've always felt that call. i remember feeling it as a young kid. funny how you can point to the beginning of time in your life and see how God, the Father, was indeed with you.

i love seeing beauty in people. not just you. or you. but all of you. i remember being a little girl and it was just like i saw into people's souls. a beautiful window into people's eyes and lives. it gives me deep joy to encourage people and call out beauty and truth in people.

of course, as with any thing, i can always (and will) drift from center. i long to be in a place of stability. where my love is centered in Jesus...where i let my Savior always bring me back to Him.

when you put yourself out there, you see the best and worst of both worlds. the law of diminishing returns comes to mind. in common usage, the “point of diminishing returns” is a supposed point at which additional effort or investment in a given endeavor will not yield correspondingly increasing results. so, i'm learning to get over myself. and, continue loving. and, being kind. and, calling out beauty in my little world, even when i do not yield any gain at all. even when it hurts and is hard. even when people don't get it or understand. even when i am pissed and feel like being a jerk (happens often)...having grace for others and myself even when it's the last thing i want to do (usually is).

i guess when you're passionate about something you can't turn it off. it's not easy to flip the switch. i'm coming to a place where i don't want to fight it, again. rather, i am desiring to step into this joy of which has been given to me since the beginning. the joy of loving. i don't get it. and, it's frustrating at times. but, oh well. it feels so right inside.

so, as hard as it is for me to share what's in my head, most times...
there ya go. a look into the window of my eyes...
thanks for listening.

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*tiny update: as ive been reflecting on these things all day, ive also been confessing/asking the Lord to change my heart/ways/actions...and, well...let's just say i'm beginning to soften. as i was driving home from the gym/grocery store tonight, i noticed an older woman walking down a street near our house. she was thin as a rail and hunched over with a note on her back saying "please help my family." i saw the sign and my heart started to break. i initially drove right past her & then quickly turned around. i had no $, but a few coins in my purse. i gave it to her and asked her what her story was. i then asked if i could pray for her. man, i really felt the Holy Spirit and God's love for her. as her eyes were fluttering and tears dripping down her face, i couldn't help but think of my wretched heart for some reason. this woman got it. she was sensitive to God and she was crying out to Him. because she had no where else to turn. i gave her a ride to where she needed to go, a carton of (coconut) milk, and told her that God loves her. she said, "I know." she got it. i was blessed tonight, by a new friend, elizabeth.